For a blog to start... you have to start

...And in order to do that, I feel there should be some fanfare for the first, some exceptionally inspirational writing. 

But alas, I am just little old me and don't have anything much of inspiration to offer except my silly little thoughts (hence the name!). So I am simply going to put into words how I feel right now, in this very moment. 

I find myself most anxious at the most inconvenient times, like when I'm trying to sleep. 

It's those moments when my brain decides to go 100mph, thinking about anything and everything that is wrong and anything and everything that could go wrong in the future. Then I work myself into basically a panic attack. 

Sometimes they're big ones and other times it's one of the ones where I'm not hyperventilating but my anxiety level is at a 10, my chest is really tight and sore, and my breathing is laboured. 

These ones are almost worse than the full blown hyperventilating, absolutely can't breathe ones because as much as with them it actually feels like I'm going to die, I know what to do to help myself. 

I do the grounding and the breathing. I calm myself. Then the panic attack is over and I am okay again. While I can do that with the latter ones, it is somewhat okay in the moment - for that moment - but then I am back to racing thoughts and making myself anxious and sad. 

Then I can feel myself switching. I go from anxiety at a 10, thoughts racing, chest tight, to somewhat calm again and then the sad creeps in. I don't know if it's my body or brain's way of saying "okay, we're going the other way now", but it's really kind of horrible. 

That's not nicely put or a good way to explain it but it's the best I've got - it's kinda horrible. 

When my brain goes sad, I instantly think of mummy. My mummy passed away over a year ago now. Then I ponder on other things and become even more sad. I know it is my mind and I am in control. But then I almost feel a sense of guilt, if I purposely put mummy out of my head. However, I'm not at a stage where thinking about her makes me happy (or not very often). As much as I may try and think of happy memories, those happy memories also make me sad. 

Again, I know I am in control. So I know to watch something funny to distract myself. However, I also kind of hate doing that because it feels like sweeping it under the carpet. So I don't know how to go if I'm not distracting myself, to sleeping without the inevitable in between of sad thoughts, racing thoughts, back to anxiety, then back to sad and repeat. 

This isn't a very "fun" or "exciting" first post, but it's real. And if nothing else, I hope that realness can resonate with someone.